“You played a good game, but you’re still not passing to your teammates.”
“You showed a lot of empathy when you accidentally tripped your sister, but you need to apologize.”
“You’re a good student, but you should work harder in math.”
“You’re a great kid, but you weren’t helpful today.”
(To your husband) “I love you, but you forgot to take out the trash.”
If you are being honest, you squirmed as you read the above five statements. You squirmed because we know instinctively that the person to whom those were directed didn’t hear the compliment, they only heard the stated criticism. They heard:
“You’re still not passing to your teammates.”
“You need to apologize.”
“You should work harder in math.”
“You weren’t helpful today.”
Even your adult husband felt the sting of the criticism in, “You forgot to take out the trash.”
The word “BUT” is very powerful, BUT in a NEGATIVE way. It robs the person you think you’re complimenting of the kind words you are hoping to convey, BUT instead, focuses on the criticism. That is all they hear.
Let’s try those sentences again, this time using the conjunction “AND” instead of “BUT.”
“You played a good game and you’re still not passing to your teammates.”
“You showed a lot of empathy when you accidentally tripped your sister, and you need to apologize.”
“You’re a good student, and you should work harder in math.”
“You’re a great kid, and you weren’t helpful today.”
(To your husband) “I love you, and you forgot to take out the trash.”
It is still difficult to hear the correction, but (there is a time and place for the word “but”) your listener first hears words of kindness, respect and affirmation along with the action that needs correction.
I challenge you for one week to carefully watch your speech and to stop yourself every time you are tempted to say “BUT.” Stop! Change the “but” to “and” AND see the difference it makes.
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